"You must look into other people as well as at them."
~ Lord Chesterfield
"We are far more liable to catch the vices than the virtues of our associates"
~ Denis Diderot
~ Denis Diderot
"I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better'
~ Abraham Lincoln
In this second part, I will try and list the 6 most common "difficult" personality traits I have encountered in my professional life, and what strategies and tactics I have found are effective in either dealing with them or in getting them to positively contribute, for I believe that everyone, no matter how "difficult" they can be, has something to offer.
1. The Aggressor
Dealing with hostile people requires both tact and strength. Since persons who feel they have been wronged are more likely to be belligerent and aggressive/violent, you should first try to be sure they have been dealt with fairly.
In addition, it would be wise to help them meet as many of their needs as possible without reinforcing their aggressiveness or discriminating in their favor. Likewise, avoid interactions with them that encourage intense emotions or threats of violence. Certainly do not interact with these angry people when they are drinking or carrying weapons.
Say or do nothing that would incite more anger or, on the other hand, cause you to appear to be scared, weak, and a “pushover.”
In most cases, strong retaliation against an aggressive person is the worst thing you can do. Nastiness begets nastiness. Hostility escalates.
If you can divert the angry person’s attention to some meaningful task or a calm discussion of the situation, the anger should subside. Also, offer him/her any information that would explain the situation that upsets him/her. Point out similarities or common interests between him/her and the person they are mad at (you). Let him/her see or hear about calm, rational ways of resolving differences. Almost anything that gets him/her thinking about something else will help.
I have dealt with many such personality types, and have compiled this brief list which outlines some basic ways in which I have calmed an angry person. Since some of these people were, in the end, some of the most loyal and reliable members of my team, I can vouch for the effectiveness of the following:
- reduce the noise level
- keep calm yourself
- acknowledge that the irate person has been wronged (if true) or, at least, acknowledge their feelings without any judgment
- ask them to explain their situation (so you can tactfully correct errors)
- listen to their complaints without counter-attacking
- explain your feelings with non-blaming “I” statements
- show that you care but set limits on their aggressiveness (“I’d like to work it out with you but I’ll have to call security if you can’t control yourself”).
2. The Chronic Complainer
What about the chronic complainers? They can bring the morale of any group down due to their fault-finding, blaming, and certainty about what should be done, but they never seem able to correct the situation by themselves. Often they have a point — there are real problems — but their complaining is not effective (except it is designed to prove someone else is responsible).
Coping with complainers involves, first, listening and asking clarifying questions, even if you feel guilty or falsely accused.
There are several don’ts:
- don’t agree with the complaints,
- don’t apologize (not immediately),
- don’t become overly defensive or counter-attack because this only causes them to restate their complaints more heatedly.
In addition to what is wrong, ask “What should happen?” If the complainer is unhappy with someone else, not you, you may want to ask, “Have you told (the complainee) yet?” or “Can I tell __________?” or “Can I set up a meeting with them?”
Thirdly, plan a specific time to make decisions cooperatively that will help the situation…and do it.
The complainer's eye for pointing out the issues that need looking after comes naturally for him. You can and should use them to the advantage of the group in order to identify any issues you may have missed.
3. The Super-Agreeable
What about the persons who are super nice and smilingly agrees with your ideas until some action is required, then they back down or disappear?
Such people seek approval. They have learned, probably as children, that one method for getting liked is by telling people (or pretending) you really care for and/or admire them.
Similarly, the super-agreeables will often promise more than they deliver: “I’ll get the report done today” or “I’d love to help you clean up.” They are experts in phoniness, so don’t try to “butter them up.”
Instead, reassure the super-agreeable that you will still like them even if they tell you the truth. Ask them to be candid and make it easy for them to be frank: “What part of my plan is okay but not as good as it could be?” Help them avoid making promises they can’t keep: “Are you sure you can have the money by then? How about two weeks later?”
Tell and show them you value their friendship. Let them know you are ready to compromise because you know they will be more than fair.
And their fairness in the end will be a sounding board for the group to come to and use whenever needed.
4. The Know-It-All Expert
Know-it-all experts are of two types: the truly competent, productive, self-assured, genuine expert and the partially informed person pretending to be an expert. Both can be a pain, but for different reasons.
The true expert may act superior and make others feel stupid; they may be bull headed and impatient with differing opinions; they are often self-reliant, don’t need or want any help, and don’t want to change.
If you are going to deal with the true expert as an equal, you must do your homework thoroughly; otherwise, they will dismiss you. First of all, listen to them and accurately paraphrase their points. Don’t attack their ideas but rather raise questions that suggest alternatives: “Would you tell me more?” or “What do you think the results will be in five years?” “It probably isn’t a viable choice but could we consider…?”
Secondly, show your respect for his/her competence but don’t put yourself down.
Lastly, if the expert can not learn to consider others’ ideas, you may be wise to graciously accept a subordinate role as his/her “helper.” Too many times, I have observed the egos of upper management render companies oblivious to what needs to be done because the decision makers would like to believe themselves to be the only ones who are truly gifted with insight, knowledge, or deductive reasoning.
They are wrong, and the corporate world is full of failed companies who's leaders didn't want to consider the advice of people smarter than them.
True experts deserve respect. They can give your team an enormous advantage.
The pretentious-but-not-real expert is relatively easy to deal with because he/she (unlike liars or cons) is often unaware of how little he/she knows. Such a person can be gently confronted with the facts. Do it when alone with them. Help them save face. They simply want to be admired.
5. The Pessimist
Another “burden” to any group is the pessimist –the person who always says, “It won’t work” or “We tried that.” These angry, bitter people have the power to drag us down because they stir up the old pool of doubt and disappointment within us.
So, first of all, avoid being sucked into his/her death-spiral of hopelessness. Don’t argue with the pessimist; don’t immediately offer solutions to the difficulties predicted by the pessimist.
Instead, make optimistic statements — showing that change is possible — and encourage the group to brainstorm leading to several possible alternatives. Then ask what are the worst possible consequences of each alternative (this gives the negativist a chance to do his/her thing but you can use the gloomy predictions in a constructive, problem-solving way).
Also ask, “What will happen if we do nothing?” Finally, welcome everyone’s help but be willing to do it alone because the pessimist won’t volunteer.
The pessimist can however serve a productive role, once you can navigate across the negativity, in that they can inform you if your ideas have been tried before and what were the causes of their failure. After all, there is no use in repeating the same mistakes of the past.
6. The Staller
Every group has a “staller,” a person who puts off decisions for fear their career or job will be put in jeopardy if their decision isn't "the right one".
Unlike the super-agreeable, I have found that the staller is truly interested in being helpful. So, make it easier for him/her to discuss and make decisions. Try to find out what the staller’s real concerns are (he/she won’t easily reveal negative opinions of you, however).
Don’t make demands for quick action. Instead, help the staller examine the facts and make compromises or develop alternative plans (and decide which ones take priority). Give the staller reassurance about his/her decision and support the effective carrying out of the decision.
It is our job as managers to manage the varying personality types occurring in our teams in order to effectively maximize their performance while developing them further along into something greater. In order to do that, it is not enough to simply give instructions, monitor their actions, and dole out compliments or corrective measures; we must learn that managing any group is more like conducting a symphony orchestra, with our people representing the instruments: every instrument sounds different, is heard at different parts during the performance, and is necessary to the overall performance.
Only when we recognize the uniqueness of every personality and accept the positive part everyone can have to play can we hope to overcome some of the more challenging aspects of our personalities.
Together.
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If you have any suggestions or topics you'd like to see covered, or if you'd like help with an issue you're currently experiencing, please drop me a line at gbossinakis@live.com.
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